Episode 2: Cosmo’s Broke Again

It was a scene of high tragedy: Cosmo Farfetch, silk robe slipping off one shoulder, staring down an overdue electricity bill as though it were a Shakespearean monologue. The expression on his face suggested he’d just discovered death, betrayal, or worse — a wrinkle.

The bill was not alone. There were others, piled neatly in a porcelain bowl once meant for fruit. Now it was an altar to overdue demands and final warnings. Cosmo called it his “Wall of Inspiration.” His landlord called it “grounds for eviction.”

Naturally, Cosmo turned to his patron saint for guidance. With all the reverence of a monk at vespers, he placed a framed photo of Judy Garland before him and prayed for deliverance — preferably in the form of a rich older man with bad eyesight and generous life insurance.

Of course, there were options. Cosmo was not entirely destitute. He still received the occasional royalty cheque from that Star Wars parody filmed in Bogotá — Star Whores: The Last Grope — which he insisted was “art house.” There was also the scandal payout from the time a gossip rag announced he was gay, news that sent his poor grandmother collapsing from her stool at the Lush Pit. She had since reinvented herself as a drag queen named Nana Poppinz.

But none of this, alas, would keep the lights on. Which is why Cosmo was already plotting:

• Seduce a rich divorcé.

• Sell a kidney (though ideally not his own).

• Convince his landlord that rent was, in fact, a social construct.

Meanwhile, the phone on the side table pulsed with missed calls from a debt collector known only as “Big Merv.” If the rumours were true, Big Merv had a baseball bat, a fondness for karaoke, and a grudge against men who didn’t pay their bar tabs.

The stage was set. Would Cosmo find salvation in sequins, or end up explaining himself to Merv over bad lighting and worse ballads?

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