Episode 3: Cosmo’s Missed Opportunities and Coffee Fails

Cosmo Farfetch had once again declared himself on the brink of stardom. This time it was because someone, somewhere, had recognised him — not for Les Misérables, not for Shakespeare, not even for Cats — but for his brief appearance in the cult horror gem Vengeful School Girls on Acid. His role? The hysterical gay twink whose camel-toe shorts distracted the audience from the plot entirely. It wasn’t exactly an Oscar nomination, but Cosmo swore it was “career-defining.”

Alas, career-defining didn’t pay the bills. Which is how he came to miss his audition for The Real Gays of Melba Heights — a reality series desperate for a Joan Collins impersonator with emotional baggage. Cosmo had the emotional baggage in spades, but tragically, he also had brunch reservations. Brunch won.

Enter Miles. Depending on whom you asked, he was either Cosmo’s best friend, his unpaid assistant, or a one-night stand who never left. Miles had the loyalty of a Labrador and the charm of a damp sock, but he kept Cosmo fed with lukewarm coffees and the occasional rent contribution. He also had a peculiar obsession with coins — an affliction that made paying for anything with him an ordeal worthy of Greek tragedy.

Which is how today ended with a barista’s scalded forearm, a broken coffee cup, and yet another ban from yet another café. Cosmo swore it wasn’t his fault — he had merely demanded a simple coffee, not a sage-smudged oat milk potion “swirled with regret.” The barista had, unfortunately, been standing in the trajectory of Cosmo’s caffeine-fuelled tantrum.

And so, the ban list grew longer, joining gay bars, gyms, and Tiffany’s cocktail soirées. The world, it seemed, was shrinking for Cosmo Farfetch. But as Miles mopped up the remains of the coffee, one thing was certain: Cosmo’s misadventures weren’t slowing down. In fact, the real trouble was just around the corner — and it carried a Hermès handbag.

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