Episode 5: Cosmo’s Big Break(…Down)

At last, the universe had thrown Cosmo Farfetch a bone. Not a sugar daddy’s bone, nor a karaoke microphone at The Whiney Pig, but an actual, bona fide paying job. He’d strutted around all morning rehearsing his entrance, practising smoulders in mirrors, and imagining the tagline of his glittering new career: “Unleash the power within.”

Then came the horror. The commercial was not for an energy drink. It was for erectile dysfunction. Yes, our Cosmo was now the official face of flaccid men everywhere. Dressed in a cashmere sweater, leaning pensively against a window, he whispered lines like, “Because you deserve to rise again.”

The director even made him practice the delivery for “maximum sincerity,” which is difficult when one is picturing their grandmother casually watching their 'stories' on television, with a cosmo and an iced vovo in hand, when suddenly they are assaulted with their grandchild discussing their underperforming appendage.

Cosmo returned home in a state of Greek tragedy, sprawling across his couch as though struck down by the gods. To hear him tell it, his love life was now dead, buried, and composted. Who would dare flirt with the man who whispered hope to the impotent masses?

And yet… the cheque cleared. A large one. Enough for silk sheets, several martinis, and one particularly flamboyant set of feathered pyjamas. Cosmo insisted he would never recover from the humiliation — while simultaneously Googling “syndication rights” and asking if erectile dysfunction spots played internationally.

Of course, Tiffany wasted no time. She had already begun circulating screenshots of the ad, captioned, “He always did have performance issues.”

But for once, Cosmo didn’t crumble. Because even if the role was humiliating, it was still a role. And in the strange economy of Cosmo Farfetch’s world, notoriety was just another form of fame.

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