Episode 7: Nanna’s Great Escape

If Cosmo Farfetch was chaos incarnate, then his grandmother was the genetic blueprint. At ninety-three, Nanna Poppinz had long abandoned dignity in favour of sequins, whiskey, and inappropriate hand gestures. The nursing home, however, did not share her enthusiasm. After one too many whiskey-fuelled bingo nights (the last of which ended with a naked conga line and a missing night nurse), management imposed a strict curfew.

This, naturally, was a declaration of war.

Cosmo, ever the dutiful grandson when scandal was involved, devised a jailbreak. With the cunning of a raccoon and the subtlety of a drag queen in full daylight, he distracted Matron Conniving-Bitch (not her Christian name, though one might be forgiven for thinking so) with a herbal concoction that left her unusually susceptible to naked Twister. While Matron writhed in the activities hall, Cosmo bundled Nanna into her mobility scooter, slapped on a feather boa, and blasted out of there like Steve McQueen on two wheels.

The escape, of course, did not proceed smoothly. Nanna demanded a Zinger Box, nearly demolished a drive-thru menu board, and sent one unfortunate hippie flying from his Vespa. Later, she stormed a community bingo night, accused the caller of corruption, and made off with a handful of balls. By the time she mounted a stage at a local gay bar to belt out Hot Stuff, she had left behind a trail of destruction worthy of an outlaw.

She didn’t last long on stage — gravity and a coked-up twink saw to that — but for one glittering moment, Nanna was Donna Summer reincarnated.

And as Cosmo raised his martini in reluctant salute, it was clear the family talent for chaos was alive and thriving.

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