Episode 8: The Man, The Mistake, The Margarita

Cosmo Farfetch had many talents: drinking martinis before noon, collecting bans from respectable establishments, and, most of all, making catastrophic romantic decisions. His latest? A dark-eyed vision named Julian, whose jawline could cut glass and whose charm lasted precisely until the second margarita.

It was only afterwards — post-tryst, mascara smudged, one shoe missing — that the truth emerged. Julian wasn’t just any divine mistake. He was Tiffany’s ex. Yes, that Tiffany. The brunch-saboteur, handbag-flashing nemesis who had already ruined Cosmo’s social life, financial endeavours, and inheritance prospects. Now she could add “romantic humiliation” to the list. He didn't do sloppy seconds.

Cosmo insisted he hadn’t known. The Zorro mask had obscured things, or perhaps it was the tequila, or he was simply beyond caring at that point.

Tiffany, naturally, saw it differently. By the time the Gucci eye patch was fitted (don’t ask), she was screeching about betrayal, syphilis, and vengeance. Her ex was the man that got away. And if Tiffany was many things — petty, spiteful, alarmingly committed to Pilates — she was never idle in revenge.

Cosmo, meanwhile, lay on his couch, equal parts soiled and smug. He liked Julian, he admitted that much. But to be anyone’s sloppy seconds — especially Tiffany’s — was a bridge too far. The narrator (and anyone with sense) knew it wouldn’t stop him from answering Julian’s texts.

And so, we end with Cosmo swirling the last dregs of his margarita. A smile formed on his face. Hook up in ten? Cosmo replied, I'll bring the gin. And promptly shared the text with Tiffany. Maybe sloppy seconds were worth it? For the rage that would come from number 16 Hawkins Heights.

The stage is set for new disasters: Tiffany plotting her revenge, Miles lingering too close for comfort, Big Merv still chasing rent, and Nanna scheming her comeback tour.

Cosmo may not always win, but when he does, it is flawed fabulosity.

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